Free Divorce Support for MEN
Communicating with YOUR FUTURE "EX"
You're in the midst of a divorce, probably due to lack of good communication, and now you have to try and communicate with your wife. How crazy is that? This can be a very tough situation. It will require you to be strong, intelligent, mature and at times, unemotional. While going through the divorce process, you will at some point have to communicate with your future “EX“. Oddly enough, this might be some of the best communications you’ve ever had during your marriage.
Just as every divorce is unique, your willingness, ability (or inability) to communicate will be unique. I highly recommend that you retain a qualified divorce attorney. Ask your attorney how they would like you to communicate with your future “EX”. The more work you do, the less money you will have to pay an attorney.
Keep it strictly business: Now is NOT the time to work on reconciliation! Keep conversations brief and to the point. It can be painful to spend a lot of time talking about going your own separate ways with someone you once loved. If you are on good speaking terms, try to make discussions go as quickly and painlessly as possible. However, chances are good that you won’t be on good speaking terms. How can you be on good terms? You’re getting divorced!
You may be so mad or so hurt that you can’t even stand to talk with her. If that is the case, do your communicating through your attorney, letters or email. Be very careful and guarded in what you say in letters and emails. Remember that this a lawsuit and you need to protect yourself. Avoid insults, cutting remarks, blame, threats and rehashing why your marriage failed. Letters and emails are easily saved and things you say in them can be used against you. Retain all letters and emails that are sent to you as well.
Negotiating a material and financial agreement is going to be extremely emotional, as you will be talking about who gets what. These are possessions that you both worked to acquire. This is a time for you to try to remain calm. It’s easy to get upset over “the little things.” For example: Your stock portfolio may be a clear-cut split, but you argue over who gets to keep the vacuum cleaner! I suggest that you be willing to concede on a lot of things. “Stuff” isn’t worth arguing over. I’m not saying that you should be willing to give the store away, but trinkets and Tupper-Ware aren’t worth fighting over. Let the law work in your favor. You will both get what you are LEGALLY entitled to. Remember that money or items that YOU had inherited are yours and they are not part of the settlement. The same goes for your “EX”.
Try to come to agreements on material possessions BEFORE your court appearance. Physically move the items you have agreed that are yours out of the house. Or let her move her items out if she is the one moving. Don’t do anything underhanded, shifty, sneaky or illegal - it will come back to haunt you.
I was lucky to be on good speaking terms with my future “EX”. However it tore my heart apart every time I saw her or had to go over to what would soon be my old house. I think I may have had too much communication with her. I kept hoping for reconciliation. It was painful to watch her live her own life without me. I believe that spending so much time with her and hoping for reconciliation distracted me from paying attention to my own life and planning my own future. Additionally, I was willing to concede a lot in the divorce. In fact, I gave up more than I was entitled to. I felt that if we would somehow miraculously reconcile, my charitable actions would reflect positively on me. (We didn’t reconcile) I also didn’t want to argue with my future “EX” over trivial items. I loved this woman with my entire being, and I didn’t want to end up hating each other over money or stuff. I am not bitter or angry that I conceded so much. I am an adult and I will live with the decisions I made.
With that said, I suggest that you don’t concede too much. You may feel battered and weakened and just want out of the marriage. Stand up for your rights and get what you are entitled to and allow her to have what she is entitled to as well. If you have children together, remember that you will have to deal with her after the divorce. Keeping things civil now will help you in your future communications with her.
In summary:
Keep communications strictly business.
Limit how much time you spend talking with her or seeing her.
Protect yourself legally.
Protect your heart.
You must think about YOUR future, not hers.
Be civil but don’t be played for a fool.
Don’t do anything shifty, underhanded or illegal.
If you are angry or have the potential to be explosive, then communicate through your attorney.
Think before you speak.
Read your letters and emails before you send them.
Don‘t say, write or do anything that will be detrimental to your case.
Be a good person. This will help keep you from becoming bitter and will help you to be stronger for the next stages that you will go through and for your next relationship.
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I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.
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Mark@freedivorcesupportformen.com
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