Free Divorce Support for MEN
Controlling Yourself
Just the thought of divorce can send your mind into a wild frenzy. Your emotions are like a live wire in a puddle of water. You’re sizzling inside, your mind races and you might explode into a rage at the slightest provocation. In this section we will discuss not only controlling your outward emotions, but also controlling your thoughts, your internal emotions, your health and dietary habits as well as controlling activities that could be physically harmful to you.
If you are attempting to work on reconciliation, you must do your very best to stay calm and open-minded. This is a perfect time to show your wife that you are sincere in your effort to build a greater relationship. Do more listening than you do talking. Think before you say something. Ask yourself: “How is what I am about to say going to benefit me, how will it benefit the both of us?” It can be very tempting to make sarcastic remarks or start to defend your actions from the past. This will just lead to arguing and won’t get you any closer to reconciliation. Stop and think before you speak, then respond. Be consciously aware of your tone of voice, facial expressions and body language when talking with your wife. Try being happier and smiling more. Doing this is not just some silly exercise, it can actually help you feel better. Smile with sincerity and not with a sarcastic or condescending tone. People can see through a fake smile. I’m not saying that you should hide from reality, but try to make yourself into a more pleasant person to be around.
If you are attempting to make changes in your habits or behaviors, then stick to them. If you truly want to change something about yourself, you need to embrace and welcome the change. You need to live the change. Don’t tell your wife “I made this change for you and you don’t even care or acknowledge it.” Then you are putting conditions on your change and they are not deep and sincere. It is often said that you can only make changes for yourself. I believe that it’s okay to change for someone else, however you must be willing to make the change. Like I said, embrace and live the change.
Don’t bring your marital problems or sadness to work with you. Don’t constantly talk about your marital problems or badmouth your wife to co-workers. Immerse yourself into your work. You are there to do a job for your employer, not to sit around thinking about your own problems. You may have to tell yourself “stop thinking about this and pay attention to your job.” Getting deeply involved in your work will get your mind off of your marital problems, even if it’s just for a short while. Successes at work will also help you feel better about yourself and your self-worth.
Constantly talking about your marriage issues or ragging about your wife just keeps making you think about it. Always talking about your problems may also start pushing people away from you and they will start avoiding you. They don’t want to always hear you bitching about your home life. Constantly thinking about your problem will distract you from doing your job and you might become irritable when colleagues approach you about work issues. Pay attention to your job while you are at work and pay attention to your relationship issues when you are at home.
Be sure to maintain healthy eating habits. I had a hard time eating while I was going through my marital problems. I lost a lot of weight which resulted in me losing my mental edge. I also became weaker and less active. This affected my sleep and my job performance. You may not be very hungry while you’re going through this, but make certain that you eat a proper, healthy diet. Force yourself to eat if you must. Lack of food will cause you to be weaker physically and mentally.
Don’t try to avoid your problems at home by stopping at a bar after work and don’t go home and drink your problems away. Alcohol can overtake your life faster than you might realize. Drinking won’t eliminate your problems and you won’t be at your sharpest level mentally if you are drunk. Alcohol or drugs can even make your problems worse. Alcohol should not be used as a crutch or a way to escape from your problems. Too many men fall into this trap. I’m not saying that you can’t ever drink alcohol, just control it.
Don’t engage in heated arguments. This is a very volatile time for you and you might say something you regret or can’t take back. If a heated argument is brewing, step away from it. It’s okay to say: “I’m getting upset and I don’t want to say something stupid, I need to take a break for a minute.” Go into a different room or go outside and compose yourself. If your wife insists on arguing or insulting you, consider saying: “I can’t have a conversation with you under these conditions, we can talk once we both cool down and can treat each other decently.” Then leave the house and go for a walk or for a drive. (Don’t go sit in a bar and brood). Don’t leave in a huff, don’t slam the door. Maintain self-control. Staying and arguing won’t help matters and you might get drawn in to saying or doing something you’ll regret.
Control yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. Your marriage, your health and possibly your life is at stake here. All decisions and actions you make have consequences that eventually unfold over time. Think BEFORE you speak.
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I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.
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