Free Divorce Support for MEN
Controlling Yourself During Divorce
Here I will cover 2 areas of self-control:
Controlling yourself while communicating with your future “EX“.
Controlling your own life.
1.) Controlling yourself while communicating with your future “EX”
You will save yourself a lot of money, aggravation and emotional pain if you can work out a Marital Settlement Agreement with your spouse without having your respective lawyers do all the negotiating. This can be very tough to do, but it will be worth your time and effort. You will be extremely passionate about what YOU THINK is rightfully yours or what YOU THINK you are entitled to. If you find that you have a hard time controlling your emotions, then you may want to consider doing your negotiating via mail or email. Keep in mind that letters and emails are easily retained, so don’t use them as a way to express insults, cutting remarks or anger. Keep it strictly business!
I implore you to retain a qualified divorce attorney. They will have sample settlement forms that you can work on and propose to your spouse. Don’t wait for her to prepare an offer. Do your household finance research and do some accounting yourself. What are your combined assets? What are your combined liabilities and debts? The sooner you get this done the better. Your wife may want a divorce from you, but she might not be in a big hurry. Why should she be? You might be ordered to make half the mortgage payments on a house you don’t even live in, or make payments on a car you can’t even drive! If there is no chance for reconciliation and divorce is inevitable, then get this done as soon as possible.
I gave up a lot in my divorce. More than I was legally entitled to. The judge even had me take the stand and asked: “Do you understand what you are giving up? Where you threatened, forced or coerced in any way?“ I still believe that I saved myself a lot of heartache and money. I am not trying to project myself as a martyr. I am not a sap, nor am I some extremely wonderful person. The divorce process was devastating enough for me and I didn’t want “money and stuff” to cause us to ultimately hate each other. In the same breath, I will suggest that you don’t give up too much, just be flexible. The sooner you get this done, the sooner you can start to reconstruct your life.
Avoid any stalker type of activity. Don’t drive by your old house and see who’s car is parked there, don’t purposefully go hang out places that you might run into your spouse. Don’t make drunken late night phone calls or leave rude messages. Don’t check her emails or phone records. You’ll just be opening yourself up to more heartache. I know guys that have done this and all it did was upset them and distracted them from paying attention to their divorce, their jobs and living their own life. Activities like this are a waste of your time, it’s immature and kind’a creepy. Sneaky and ruthless tactics can backfire on you and some things are just plain illegal.
You might be angry and wish to make life unpleasant for your “EX”. It’s not worth it! It should not be your personal goal to make her life miserable. You might feel like you want to, after all “look what she did to me!“ This will just pollute your emotions and your thinking and distract you from getting your own life back on track. Do whatever is reasonable to work out the division of money, assets and bills in a civil fashion. If you have children, you want to keep their best interests in mind. You will also have to deal with, and see this person in the future (during visitation, etc.), so try to keep communications pleasant.
Please don’t allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. Not arguing can give you a feeling of power and it will drive someone else crazier than it will drive you. Think before you speak - that is your power! If you feel that she is being dishonest, ruthless, underhanded or just plain mean, then you will have to let your respective lawyers, or the Court come up with a settlement. Sometimes the law or agreements don’t seem very fair, but the sooner you accept reality, the sooner you can start rebuilding YOUR life.
2.) Controlling your own life:
It is so tempting to want to “get even” while going through divorce. I am not referring to the Marital Agreement, I’m talking about things like: spreading rumors about your spouse, talking bad about her to mutual friends and relatives, undermining her social or work status. All these things do is consume your time, consume your mind and make you look bad. I’ll mention it again, avoid all stalker type activities.
Don’t go hitting the bars or seeing how many women you can pick up. Don’t have an “I’ll show her” attitude by dating a friend of hers or having spite sex with anyone you can find. Just get through this and allow yourself time to heal. Be careful to not start drinking too much. Many men fall into depression and start drinking. Pay attention to your health, your finances, how much you’re spending, immerse yourself in your job. Surround yourself with positive friends and stay physically active. If you have children, maintain an active role in their lives.
If you must spew sour grapes, then write mean letters expressing how you feel and send them to YOURSELF. It’s helpful to get the poison out and you might be surprised at what you wrote when you read your letter 3 days later. Share your feelings and emotions with only a few close, trusted friends. Don’t suck others into your mire. There is nothing wrong with a little “alone time” to think about what direction you want to go with your future. There will be plenty of time to try new things and meet new people AFTER the divorce is over.
A smart person learns from their own mistakes, but a smarter person learns from someone else’s mistakes.
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I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.
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Mark@freedivorcesupportformen.com
Mark@freedivorcesupportfor men.comLiving Sober Sucks
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