Free Divorce Support for MEN

Sometimes divorce is the only answer. You may be in an abusive marriage or things have been done that are unforgivable. Your wife may simply be “through with you.” People don’t always make the smartest decisions. Divorce sounds like an easy answer, but it is very traumatic for both parties, and if you have children, it’s very difficult on them as well.

Your marriage may be salvageable, but your wife isn’t interested in working at it. Maybe she is unreasonable in her demands of you or she is unrealistic in her expectations of how your marriage should be. Maybe you are the culprit? Whatever the case may be, divorce should never be used as a threat. During the heat of an argument you might make statements like: “fine, let’s just get divorced” or you might threaten with “if this doesn’t get any better, I’ll divorce you!“ You must be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you are willing to go through with this and get divorced! Be very careful, because as the old saying goes, “you might just get what you wish for.” Everything doesn’t always turn out for the better, that’s just how life is. This is so important that I will repeat it. Be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you are willing to go through with a divorce. Never use divorce as a threat or scare tactic. It may backfire on you.

When you are served divorce papers:

Most men never see a divorce coming. We think our marriage is just going through a rough patch. The two of you don’t talk much or see each other much. When you do spend time together, it seems like all you do is argue. So not talking to your wife or not seeing her seems like a break from the volatility and drama. The next thing you know, you’re being served with divorce papers! You’re in shock. At this stage you will probably feel anger, sadness, weakness, low self esteem and a lot of confusion. You start wondering how could this happen? What did I do wrong? Am I that bad of a person that she would divorce me? How could she do this to me? Can I do something to change her mind?

From my own personal experience and from many interviews that I have done with other men who have been divorced, I discovered that if a woman serves a man with divorce papers, she already has plans for her future and there is virtually nothing you can do to win her back. I am not implying that all women who instigate divorce are having affairs, but women typically don’t file for divorce unless they have something or someone else already lined up. Maybe she thinks you work too much, drink too much, gamble too much, play golf too much. You might be a total jerk as a husband or you might be abusive and she has no alternative than to divorce you. You might be the nicest guy in the world and take great care of her and pay attention to her, but she still wants a divorce. I firmly believe that a woman will not file for divorce unless she has something or someone else already lined up. She may only have hopes or “promises” lined up. As I said earlier, “people don’t always make the smartest decisions.”

If you have been served divorce papers, try to find out why she wants out of the marriage. Don’t argue, don’t get mad, don’t accuse her of wrongdoing. Ask her to tell you why she wants out. Don’t interrupt her and listen closely to her reasons. I don’t want to give you false hope, but there still may be time to save your marriage. If there is a chance for reconciliation, you BOTH must be willing to work at it, it can’t just be one-sided.

I loved my wife deeply and I was willing to do anything to win her back. I didn’t always do the right things. I went to counseling on my own, I tried to do favors for her, I tried to treat her better, I would be accommodating, I tried every psychological persuasion technique I could think of. I ended up allowing her to take advantage of me and I lost my self-esteem and self-respect as a man. I spent one year trying to rekindle my 24 year marriage. I even spent one year AFTER my divorce trying to rekindle our relationship, only to eventually discover that my wife (now ex-wife) had been having an affair with a married man. In hindsight I can see that I wasted two years of my life.

My suggestion is that you “extend the olive branch” and keep the option of reconciliation open (if you want to), but ultimately you must accept the hard reality that you are about to get divorced and you must start thinking about how you will approach the impending divorce in a mature, intelligent and civil fashion. We will deal with emotional, financial, social, and health issues in other segments of this website.

When you are the petitioner:

You might have to be the one to ask for the divorce (petitioner). I wanted to rekindle my marriage, but I was the one who did the filing of divorce papers. We were no longer living together and I couldn’t go on living like a single man, even though I was still legally married. I agonized over making this decision. I understood that me asking for a divorce was not just an idle threat. I was prepared that she would agree with getting divorced. I felt as if I had no alternative than to progress with a divorce. I felt it would be wrong for me to try and start a new life with someone else until I had tried everything humanly possible to salvage my marriage. If my marriage couldn’t be saved, I needed to get the divorce finalized, and only then could I start to work on a new life.

Your marriage might be very explosive and volatile. You might think that your wife is mean and rude to you. I implore you to approach your divorce as a strong, mature, confident man. Be decent and civil. Anger, hatred and spiteful tactics will only make this situation worse. If you are going to be the petitioner, make certain that you get qualified legal advice or representation. Be sure that you follow all the rules set out by your state for filing and serving divorce papers.

I personally delivered the divorce papers to my wife. You may want to have your attorney serve the papers for you. It’s tempting to make a public statement by having papers served to her at work or some other place that will embarrass her. Don’t do it! This will just set the stage for an ugly battle. Divorce is going to be traumatic and emotional for both of you. The more dignified you can act, the easier this process will go. There is no need to be vicious or ruthless. I am not suggesting that you should be spineless. Stand up for yourself and follow proper procedures. Being decent and cooperative will help your divorce move along quickly and smoothly.

I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.

Has this site helped you? Do you have suggestions or comments? Want to add some information? Please use the Feedback page.

All information, names and email addresses are kept strictly confidential. You will NEVER receive junk mail from me. If you want an email response, be sure to add my email to your address book - otherwise overzealous spam blockers may delete me.

Mark@freedivorcesupportformen.com

Mark A. Tuschel.

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