Free Divorce Support for MEN

“The grass is greener on the other side.” Not always. In fact, quite often once you get there, you find out it’s not even grass but it’s only painted dirt! There are things that can make a marriage unbearable and there are things that both partners have done that might be unforgivable. However your marriage may be worth saving. As a man, you have a duty to your spouse to fix it. As a man, you should be strong enough to face your problems and attempt to make healthy, positive changes within yourself.

When you are married your first obligation is to your spouse. Do whatever is reasonable to rekindle your marriage. If all of your efforts fail and you still end up divorced, you will at least know that you made every attempt to make your marriage work. This will help keep you strong as you approach the next stages you will encounter if you end up getting divorced. It takes two people to make a marriage work, it only takes one person to ruin a marriage. I firmly believe that there is nothing greater in this world than a loving relationship with another person.

Why did you marry this person in the first place?

What can you do to open up the lines of communication with your wife?

Where are you at fault? It is not a sign of weakness to admit when you are wrong.

What can YOU do to correct or improve your marriage?

Is this marriage valuable enough to you to attempt salvaging it?

Are you being stubborn or inflexible?

Are your expectations unrealistic?

Some men believe that it is a sign of weakness to initiate going to marriage counseling. It is NOT a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you care and are concerned about your relationship. Ask your wife to go to counseling. If she wants, allow her to choose the counselor. When you do go to counseling, be prepared to hear things that may surprise you. Allow your wife to speak freely and openly. You may discover that your marriage is not as troubled as you both thought and you just need to make a few adjustments in your actions. Even if counseling doesn’t help rekindle your marriage, you may learn about some negative traits that you have that you can change to make yourself a better person in the future. Also be prepared to hear some things that anger or hurt you. We tend to believe that we are an intelligent, reasonable person. But as stated in a song by the Butthole Surfer: “You never know just how you look through someone else’s eyes.” We normally only see our good traits and are blind to our own flaws.

Ask questions and ask for honest answers. When you do this, don’t interrupt. Keep calm and don’t start defending your actions. Remember that you asked a question! Shut up and listen. You may find out what the “real” problem is and that it is something that can be fixed. There will be time for you to explain your feelings. Just by asking will show your wife that you are concerned about your marriage and that you truly care what she has to say.

Be sure to “Check in” with your wife:

There are a few things that I know I did wrong in my marriage. All married guys should read this paragraph and think long and hard about my words of advice. This applies towards any loving relationship, whether you’re live-in partners, gay life-partners, whatever, but it’s most applicable to married guys. Here’s what I did wrong: I didn’t “check in” with my wife. I don’t mean call her and tell her were I was, who I’m with, what I’m doing or when I would be home. I mean that I didn’t take the time to ask her how she wanted to be treated, I didn’t ask her how I could show her how much I loved her. So I’m suggesting that you to ask your wife how she wants to be shown your love. Asking her is not a weak, non-masculine thing to do. When you do ask her, shut your mouth and listen to her. Pay attention to what she is saying to you, and think about the things she tells you. Write down what she has to say, or ask her to write it out for you. If there is even the tiniest kernel of love in your heart towards her, make a conscious effort to do some of the things that she tells you would make her feel loved by you. She may have unrealistic desires or demands, but at least you asked. Simply asking her and listening to her will let her know that you care. Being obstinate, stubborn or inflexible isn’t worth losing your wife over. There’s nothing better in this world than a loving relationship with another person.

These are the two biggest causes of marital problems. You either make too little money or you spend too much. Controlling your finances and living within your means is something that can be addressed. This is a team effort and can bring the two of you closer together. Could the two of you spend less or make more money? Are your spending habits and retirement plans synchronized? Financial compatibility is extremely important. If you each have very different financial priorities, this might be an insurmountable problem. However, financial prudence can be learned and most financial problems can be overcome with team efforts.

Sexual compatibility is another area that can be addressed as well as learned. They key is to talk about sex with one another. Talking about sex can be difficult for some people. Don’t feel squeamish or embarrassed. Talking about your sex life together can create an arousing prelude to passion. Learn about your wife’s sexual desires, share your desires with her. Ask your wife what she likes, pay attention to the nuances that make her feel good. Talk to each other before, during and after making love. In my opinion, “Sex” and “Making love” are two different actions. You can have sex while making love. Making love is a sharing of your minds, souls and bodies. Sex is just an exchange of fluids. A rewarding and fun sex life will draw the two of you closer together, and not just while you’re making love, but while you are apart from one another.

It is often said that you should love someone that loves you just as much as you love them. It doesn’t always work that way. Love does not come with a balance sheet. Love is not always equal. Remember that love is fluid, it is always changing in intensity. One-sided, unconditional love can lead to abuse, it can lead to you being taken advantage of and it will lead to heartache. For your own emotional health, be sure to love someone that loves you back.

Make every reasonable effort you can to salvage your marriage. If you are the one who is at fault, apologize with sincerity and show your wife that you are willing to make changes. This does not give her a license to take needless advantage of you. The following is a “contract” that my friend Al put together when he was having marital problems. He and his wife both signed it. When difficulties arise, they pull out their “contract” and review it. They don’t hold it against one another, they hold themselves personally responsible to the terms that they agreed upon within the contract.

"A Woman’s perspective" By: Belladonna

Fix it or end it

I was asked to supply a feminine point of view despite the fact that this site focuses on men. The value in this is that you don’t have to listen to me or ask another random woman, ”what the hell is wrong with all you crazy broads?” Believe me you are not alone! If you are trolling the internet looking at divorce self-help pages it is because the marriage that you originally thought would last forever is now in trouble. Statistics tell us that on an Average 50% of first marriages end in divorce as do about 63 % of second marriages.

What is it that women think about trying to re-kindle a failing union? It may surprise you that women don’t think that differently from men in this situation. The questions we ask aren’t all that different from those asked by men going through this emotionally draining experience. However we may ask those questions for different reasons. What are some of the questions that women ask themselves?

One of the first questions a woman asks is, how we allowed our marriage get to the point where divorce is a legitimate option. The problem or problems that contributed to this state of disunion must be addressed. Whether the problem is the result of one partners actions or the combined complacency of two people the problem areas need to be identified and addressed. It may be necessary to bring in an impartial observer like a marriage or family counselor in order to facilitate the process.

Another question women ask, Is this marriage salvageable? This is the next logical,(stop snickering men we can definitely be logical) step in trying to determine what is the best way to progress. As women we have an obligation to our partner (husband) to attempt to fix the broken whenever possible. If we caused this rift we need to make legitimate efforts to repair the damage. Yes it is necessary to apologize to our partner for any transgressions we caused and ask for that person’s forgiveness. This includes cheating , substance abuse, verbal and emotional abuse as well as anything thing else I did not specifically mention. This also means admitting that we may need professional help like that of a marriage counselor or minister, and not solely that of ones beautician.

Women will generally be open to marital counseling if we legitimately feel that there is a chance that it will work. We also want to see genuine effort on your part which means going to counseling together or separately and trying to alter whatever behavior or habits that got you (as a couple) to this point in the first place. I can’t state this strongly enough, if there are not two committed people working toward the common goal of a healthier marriage divorce may be the only alternative that remains.

One of the most important questions we may ask is, do I still love this person? If the answer is yes there is definitely room to work with. If we still love you we may be enraged and furious with you. If there is mutual love and respect for one another underneath the anger, the two of you as a couple should put all of your energy into repairing your union. Where anger exists so does great passion, tap into that and your chances of success are increased exponentially.

Will my life be better with or with out this person? In some cases the answer will be in the affirmative and life may be immeasurably improved by exiting the marriage. Where there is physical, emotional or substance abuse demand that they get help or they must get out of the house. If there are children in the marriage this question takes on added importance, because of financial concerns about their well being. Issues such as custody arrangements, child care, health insurance, housing, transportation and school must be taken into consideration. It is no surprise that it is twice as expensive to maintain two households. Guys don’t forget that if she has abusive tendencies you may very well end up being a single parent. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that it is your entire wife’s responsibility for the children. Couples with children statistically have lower rates of divorce than couples with out children.

People generally have problems communicating about SEX and MONEY. With a modicum of effort these are not insurmountable difficulties. Fiscal responsibility can be learned, charge cards can be cut up debt can be paid down and money can be saved . Believe me there is a lot of stuff we /you can live without if your marriage is important. The question some women may ask is , How are we going to get out of this financial sink hole?

Sex is the other area proper individuals don’t discuss in mixed company. I of course pay no heed to such propriety which is probably why I have had some great men in my life. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been after conversing with a partner about our sexual likes and dislikes. Women often mention that their husbands don’t know what they like sexually. I usually ask them if they have ever mentioned to their husbands what it is they like and unfortunately the answer is often no. Some women expect men to be mind readers and that men should just know instinctively. Talk to her about her likes and dislikes sexually and share yours with her as well .Guys ASK us what we like, we will tell you if we have any particular favorite positions or erogenous zones. Gentlemen sometimes when we ask for a backrub we really do just want a back rub it is not a ruse to have sex with you.

A marriage is like a nice sports car if you want the optimal performance out of it you must maintain the vehicle and that includes regularly scheduled oil changes and tire rotations as well as replacing the parts that are wearing out. You must make maintaining your marriage a top priority. With out regular maintenance it to will begin to run roughly and the ride will not be as enjoyable nor will the performance as responsive. Pay special attention to the page titled Attempting to save your marriage. At the end of the page A marriage agreement is included I suggest that you read it carefully as well as give your wife a copy it contains some great ideas for keeping your marriage healthy and intact.

Our Marriage Agreement:

Date:____________________

OBJECTIVE:

We agree to fix our marriage so that it will be the loving, caring and happy relationship that will enrich our lives together forever. It’s going back to our original intentions of our wedding day. “Vowing to love, cherish and care for one another throughout life; and that our union was solemnized in accordance with the rites prescribed by our religious faith and the laws of our State in which we were married.”

PLAN:

1 - We begin through mutual forgiveness of each other, recognizing that we can’t go back and change the past. We give each other a clean slate.

2 - We commit that we will apply our energy and emotions to reach beyond the bounds of our “personal comfort zones,” to make our marriage successful and satisfy each other.

3 - We will make mutual changes necessary to make each other happy, discuss and agree on these changes and take action. These include but are not limited to: Lifestyle habit changes, spending time together, vacations together, doing projects together and embracing each other’s hobbies and interests.

4 - We will live and act in a fashion that will make each of us trustworthy to the other.

5 - We agree that we are truly married in the fullest sense and start acting like it.

6 - We will be fully emotionally engaged, trustworthy, intimate and respectful. We will always treat each other kindly and compassionately, be appreciative and be sensitive to each other’s needs.

7 - Have direct and open communication on any topic, and maintain the dignity and respect of each other’s opinions at all times. We will discuss any problem or topic without hurting each other and will listen to each other’s point of view.

8 - We will sleep together in the same bedroom.

9 - We will carry ourselves and act like capable adults, versus children that suppress communication and action. We will not resort to “emotional withdrawal” or “unresolved anger.”

10- We agree that together, we will own our relationship and help each other as a team working as one, with joint responsibility, to provide happiness and solve life’s problems, versus making the other partner singly responsible.

11 - We agree that we want our partner to grow and be happier as an individual as a result of us being married.

12 - We agree that the value of our love and association together should make each of us stronger, live a more enriched and fulfilled life, and be the best person they can be and share that energy and enthusiasm in our marriage.

13 - We agree to adhere to this contract and it’s terms as responsible adults. We also agree to not threaten or enforce these terms upon each other.

14 - We agree to participate with this contract out of love for one another.

(Signature) _____________________________

(Signature) _____________________________

I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.

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Mark@freedivorcesupportformen.com

Mark A. Tuschel.

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