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Random Writings

Here ar some articles that can be enlightening to the divorced man. They cover a wide spectrum of topics. Check back frequently for up-dates and new articles.

Properly using my “Edit“ button!

All too often in my marriage and in my life I have failed to properly use the “EDIT” function in my brain’s software. I would say something sarcastic or cynical, vehemently voice my opinions, felt I needed to express my feelings or shared too many private details - simply put, I talked too much.

I have learned that all thoughts and feelings do not need to be openly stated or expressed. Just because I have a thought doesn’t mean it HAS to be said out loud. Some things (experiences, opinions, comments) are better left unsaid. Sometimes too much information or disclosure won’t do anybody any good.

An old saying goes; “A burden shared is a burden lightened.”

This could also be stated as; “I just downloaded all my crap on you - I feel great now.”

Divorced men who are reentering the dating world should keep this in mind. It is not necessary to share all the details of your past marriage. You don’t need to talk about your ex-wife and what she did or didn’t do. You don’t need to talk about your house or trips you took with her. Nor do you have to feel obligated to answer questions about your past relationships. You can simply answer with, “I would rather not talk about her right now. I would rather talk about you.” This isn’t some slick, smooth, evasive answer - it is proper use of your “edit” function.

Disclosing too many details of your past may not help your new relationship. You may come off sounding bitter or angry. If you are too complimentary of your ex the other person may misinterpret you as “pining” for the past. The other person may start unconsciously wondering if they can match or exceed those experiences or your expectations. I am not suggesting that you lie or be deceptive. Allow the other person to discover who you are NOW. All past experiences do not necessarily make us who we are today - they are just past experiences.

I will warn you that by not discussing your past you run the risk of being accused that you are not being open or not sharing enough. However, there is (and will be) a proper time and place for you to talk about your past, your goals and your opinions. There are also select and appropriate people to do this with. Everyone doesn’t need to know everything. Spare your friends, family, co-workers and new girlfriend all the sordid details of your ex-wife and divorce.

When you eventually do open up, it will show trust - it allows the other person to feel like a special part of your life. Your “edit” button can be very helpful in romantic relationships. It comes in pretty handy in everyday communications as well. Remind yourself that your brain’s software does come with an “edit” function.

By: Mark Tuschel

07/17/09

I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.

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Mark@freedivorcesupportformen.com

Mark A. Tuschel.

Mark@freedivorcesupportfor men.com

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