Free Divorce Support for MEN

Staying in contact with your "EX"

There are no hard and fast rules to staying in contact with your ex once the divorce is final. Some couples actually become friends again after their divorce. That’s wonderful if that happens, but most divorces aren’t that pleasant. Do whatever you want, but think about what your motives are for staying in contact. Are you trying to show her that you’re doing fine without her? - That’s childish. Are you trying to rehash the past and hoping to throw in a few jabs? - Grow up and be a man. Are you trying to rekindle the romance? - Forget it,,, it’s OVER. Think about YOUR future and limit the amount of time you spend reliving the past.

I feel that once you are divorced, that’s it! There is no need to maintain contact. I had to stop all contact with my ex-wife and her family. I didn’t do this out of anger or hatred. I had to do it for my own mental and emotional health. I couldn’t move forward with my new life while I was revisiting my past life. I am not hiding from the fact that I spent a good part of my life with this person or her family, this just happens to be one of the consequences of divorce. For me, the best thing I could do was to disappear from her life. This may sound harsh, but I have to worry about protecting my own heart and I suggest that you do the same (protect your heart).

If you had a long marriage (over 10 years) you might feel obligated to keep her updated on current happenings with people you both knew, such as your family members. If that is the case, send her an occasional email or letter. Birthday or Holiday cards are fine, but Anniversary and Valentines cards are NOT.

If you are involved in a new relationship or marriage, I feel that it is inappropriate to stay in contact with your ex. Doing so can make your new partner feel uncomfortable and maybe even a bit threatened. They may question whether you’re actually over your ex or not. This can create unnecessary stress in your new relationship. Besides, you should be paying attention to your new partner, not your old partner.

There may be situations when you do have to stay in contact with your ex. You might be waiting for the marital property to be sold, you might have been partners in a business together or work at the same place. I suggest that you keep contact to a minimum and always be professional. Stay in touch regarding these things through email or text messages.

Your ex-wife may not want to have any further contact with you. If that is the case, respect her wishes. Don’t partake in any “stalker like activities”. This is not good for your psychological health and you may end up having a restraining order imposed upon you. However, if you have children, you will undoubtedly have to stay in contact.

Co-parenting: I have no children, so for this section I had to interview divorced men that share custody of their children. Almost all have told me that it is painful to see their ex. They also told me that it is very easy to argue or rehash the marriage with their ex, but they stop and remind themselves that they are no longer married to this person and they must focus on their children. Limit conversations to the care and wellbeing of your child.

Keep phone calls with your ex polite, professional and brief. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. My friend Patrick tells me how his ex will call him on his cell and yell at him, berate him and insult his parenting techniques (he is aware that his son is listening in the background). He simply says “I won’t talk about our son if you’re going to yell or be irrational.“ Sometimes he has to just hang up and wait for her to call back once she has cooled down. His son has asked him about some of her yelling fits and he just says “your mom gets a little upset but remember that she loves you and so do I”.

Sometimes conversations can become explosive. That’s where email, voicemail and texting come in handy. Don’t rely completely on these means of communication. You might be told “I never got your email” or “You knew I was out of town, I can’t check email, you should have called me”. It may be a pain, but cover all of your bases.

Ultimately it is up to you as to how much contact you want to have with your ex-wife. Do what feels comfortable to you. Be polite, be professional and remember to protect your heart.

Mark A. Tuschel.

I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.

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Mark@freedivorcesupportformen.com

Mark A. Tuschel.

Mark@freedivorcesupportfor men.com

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