Free Divorce Support for MEN
Staying Socially Active DURING DIVORCE
I believe that it is extremely important for your physical and psychological health that you stay socially active during the divorce process. If you just stay at home and mope, depression will get the best of you. This is going to be a dramatic change for you. You will most likely miss the companionship of a woman, but you can stay socially active without immediately finding a replacement for your wife.
The first thing I recommend is joining a health club. “Fatigue will make cowards of us all.“ Exercising on a regular basis will make your body feel stronger, it will keep your appetite elevated (so you eat properly) and it will help you sleep sounder. I work out almost every day and I will admit that I have never felt a “buzz or endorphin high” from lifting weights. I do however feel stronger, which has helped my mind feel stronger and has kept me emotionally solid. I have met a lot of wonderful people while working out at the gym. This can be a great social outlet for you. As my friend Lou told me: “Me and my buddy got served with divorce papers the same day. My buddy went to the bar and I went to the gym. Two years later, he’s still in the bar and I’m still at they gym. I’m healthy, strong and I feel confident meeting women. I’m not bitter, angry or broke.”
Immerse yourself in your job and get more involved with work functions. Offer to work overtime if it’s available. Volunteer to help with work events or company parties. If you work independently or work at a small company, you can still focus on your job and immerse yourself deeper into your work.
Continue to stay in contact with YOUR family and friends, but don’t constantly talk about your impending divorce or bitch about your “soon-to-be ex” to them. Be sure to attend YOUR family functions. This also might be a time in your life to rekindle lost relationships with your relatives and family members. If you and your “EX” have mutual friends, don’t put them in the awkward position of taking sides. Don’t engage in gossip about your “EX” with them. If they bring her up in the conversation, simply say: “I don’t really want to talk about that right now, it‘s too painful.“ Most people will respect that statement. You might actually have to stay away from some of those mutual friends for a while. I love my former In-Laws, but it’s far too painful for me to see them or talk with them. If I spoke with them while the divorce was going on, invariably the subject of my marriage came up. I ultimately had to stop all contact with them. Sadly, that is one of the consequences of divorce.
If you have children, you can get involved with events at their school. Spend time with them. You have to decide if you want to attend family events with them that involve your former In-Laws. Don’t engage in discussions regarding your divorce while your children are around. Don’t badmouth your “EX” in front of your children.
If you have a strong religious foundation, you can get involved in church or synagogue groups and events. Volunteer to be on boards, committees or events planning. If you’re not a religious person, consider attending some services. You might find it rewarding or find some spiritual relief. Keep an open mind and an open heart. Don’t do anything that would be considered disingenuous. Only join a religious group or volunteer if you sincerely feel compelled to do so.
Talk with your friends and find out what social events they attend. If some of the social events sound interesting, ask if you can join them. (Notice that I said “join them” as opposed to asking if you can “tag along”?) Join a dart league, bowling league, golf league, softball team, etc. Whatever sport or hobby you enjoy, you can probably find a local meeting place by doing a little research on the Internet.
It’s okay to stay home and work on getting your life and your “house” in order. You don’t have to become a social butterfly and go out every night. Maybe you only go out one night a week or on weekends. You might not feel like going out or getting involved with events, but I believe it’s important to your emotional health that you do. You might have to force yourself to get involved socially.
Don’t go out to clubs and bars looking for women to pick up and don’t even start dating. If your divorce isn’t final yet, then you are still married. Even if you are separated, now is not the time to date. Avoid having “spite sex” or “spite relationships”. This isn’t fair to the person you are having sex with or dating. Don’t get seriously involved with anyone until well after your divorce is final.
I will however suggest that you associate yourself with some female friends. Times have changed and men and women can be just that, “friends”, without any romance or sexual tension. It could be a relative, neighbor or co-worker. Respect the institution of marriage and do not become too chummy with someone else‘s wife. Attempt to develop friendships with single women. Having some female companionship will keep you from constantly ruminating about your loneliness. It is important to keep it as “just friends”. “Friends with privileges” may sound tempting, but remember that having sex changes everything, especially for a woman. Don’t drag some other person into your mire. Don’t start dating anyone seriously until after your divorce is final.
This is a huge change in the lifestyle you once knew. Go slow. Keep an open mind. Think about your life and what would help make you happy. Everyone you meet doesn’t have to become your new best friend but be willing to expand your circle of acquaintances. If you are at least a little outgoing and friendly, you will be pleasantly surprised at the new friendships that you can develop.
Once again I will remind you - don’t cry your tale of woe to your new friends. Go out and have some fun and make sure that you are fun to be around.
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I welcome your questions. I do NOT offer factual legal advice - I am not qualified in this area. I do offer a compassionate ear and can give some constructive feedback to problems.
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Mark@freedivorcesupportformen.com
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