Free Divorce Support for MEN
CONTRIBUTIONS FROM OTHER MEN
I believe it is important for men to share their thoughts, emotions, experiences and insights. The act of writing requires you to think out and think through your feelings. This can bring clarity to your own emotions. You are invited to participate. Just email me your writing and I will include it on this page. (No attachments please. Include your writing in the body of the email.)
I will not edit or change your writing. I may add my own comments (shown in Italics). Your anonymity and privacy is guaranteed.
By: Mark J. (06/30/09)
SHOCK: The shock of being told you are no longer wanted or loved will linger in my heart and spirit forever. When you love someone as much as I loved my wife, this experience is overwhelming. There is no way around it. Only through it. This, of course, is knowledge that will be acquired in perfect 20/20 hindsight.
WORK: One of the most powerful and poignant observations came from a person I knew who was also going through a tough divorce (and was a psychologist). "You will not be able to avoid the hard work that is ahead of you." I reflected on this many, many times, since I almost became an expert at trying to avoid the pain and move on before I had grieved. If I had just accepted there was a painful period ahead, perhaps I would not have lost so much time. Maybe the healing could have been slightly easier. These are important words to remember.
LAWYERS: If you can do it (and it is the hardest time to try) it is crucial to control the lawyer. I learned the hard way this is a big business. The goal is to get you to argue and fight and keep that billing going ever higher. The attorney I used wanted me to "go after" assets. Truth be told, when I asked them some pointed questions, they did not know what they were talking about. No matter what, never, ever delegate decisions to an attorney. If you can go without one, do so. I seriously question if any man does "better" with an attorney, even with kids involved. Be fair, represent yourself and do not fight for money. The system is designed to benefit women. A man who simply stands by his own principles and does what he believes is right in his heart and what is best for his children, will probably so shock a judge he may end up better off. And in my opinion, even if not, if you can look at yourself in the mirror each day and like what you see, the value is unlimited. You still have a life to live. (You are so correct. Maturity and decency will be positively viewed by a judge. Not to mention that it will calm your own soul.)
FRIENDS: I was very lucky to have friends who helped me, listened to me and showed me the road forward when it was pitch black. This said, with the benefit of hindsight, I would have spent more time in activities with friends and less time talking about the divorce. Again, perfect hindsight. (Mark’s advice should be taken seriously. Belaboring your divorce problems to friends makes a man sound like a whiner and it only brings your mood down. This is not denial or emotion avoidance. Don’t draw friends into your mire of dung. You want to be a welcomed friend.)
LONELINESS VERSUS BEING ALONE: The most critical lesson for me was learning the difference. Loneliness drove me to behavior and thinking that was plainly wasteful. I could not see that endless, pointless "dating" was not going to fix anything. I could not go where I needed to go: inside. The best solution for loneliness is, ironically, to be alone. Once you have become calm and settled with your own spirit and soul, healing and life begin. Easier said than done. I hope by saying it, I save just one of my brothers some pain and torment. (How true! I have witnessed many men attempt to forget their real problems by dating/marrying someone immediately after divorce, only to have the same problems – or worse. Time alone builds your character as a true man. You then develop into a more valuable partner for someone in the future.)
MUSIC: No music with lyrics for one year… Period. Hard and fast rule.
This rule came from an exceptional and reflective friend. Trust me on this one. You will save on months of crying and grief of the most intense kind. Mozart, Strauss, jazz are fine. In fact, my appreciation of classical music was heightened in this period. If you are inclined to plan and write as I do, classical music is invaluable for background. It also creates an aura of peace and culture in your home, contributing to your well being and your confidence. If you have never appreciated classical music, this is the time.
A personal note from Mark J.: I will share this, since it did help me in a small way. When my wife came with a moving van to finally take away her possessions and to truly leave me, I played "This is the End" by the Doors. I received strange looks from both my wife and the movers, as I sat in my recliner singing along with Jim Morrison, scotch in hand. This was an exception to the "no lyrics" rule, however, you can not underestimate the healing power of humor in situations such as these. This is now a legendary story among my friends.
CHARITY: I highly suggest getting involved with a charity, or charities, right away. Even if you do not feel like it, helping someone less fortunate than you is not only a wonderful contribution to the world, it gives perspective and has immense healing power. Do it even if you are depressed and can not get out of bed. Force yourself. There are people out there who need you. They are waiting. Trust me on this. I found them.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND FORGIVENESS: I love my wife unconditionally. In spite of the pain her leaving caused me, I wrote to her telling her this. I admitted my part in the loss of our love and marriage. I decided to overlook any negatives. It was incredibly hard to do. It still takes a tremendous amount of effort to put love ahead of so many other feelings of resentment, grief, sadness and sometimes even a desire for the other person to feel pain, as I did. I also apologized for my poor behavior in the divorce. Owning up to your own role and letting love through is critical. No matter what. I struggled with this and it is not easy. I was not and am not perfect in this. Yet, I will keep trying.
Love is the answer.
Kind Regards,
Mark J.
Living Sober Sucks
In Stock - Buy now
Only $12.95
Free Shipping
Buy Securely through PayPal
Or Buy on Amazon.com
Published by: CW Media, Inc.
Do you or someone you know have an alcohol or substance problem? Please visit my other site:
